Meeting Minutes: A Matter of Hooves, Heat, and Human Resources
From the desk of Jasmine, Dog and Chief Human Resource Officer
Meeting: Pre-Event Readiness Discussion
Event: Upcoming Equine Consignment Event
Date: Immediately, because apparently no one else is taking initiative
Attendees: Jasmine - CHRO; various overheated humans; Kirk - CEO (intermittently attentive)
Absent: Every horse involved in the event, despite being the central subject matter
Opening Remarks
The meeting was called to order after I observed an alarming imbalance in workplace participation. While the upcoming equine consignment event is meant to showcase horses and horse-related opportunities, all visible preparations appear to be carried out by humans. I would like the record to show that I attended voluntarily, remained alert throughout, and provided leadership from a strategically chosen shaded cool location.
Merchandising Concerns
The first agenda item concerned Kirk’s merchandising strategy. While I appreciate a well-stocked dog section as much as anyone. Particularly one containing treats, durable toys, comfortable beds, and tasteful accessories... I must raise a professional concern: the event is an equine consignment event.
At present, the merchandise selection appears disproportionately canine. This is not necessarily a complaint. It is simply an observation from the Chief Human Resource Officer, who happens to be a dog and therefore understands both consumer demand and the importance of keeping canine morale high.
However, attendees may reasonably expect to find items relevant to horses, riders, barns, tack rooms, and the general business of being near very large animals with strong opinions. Kirk was encouraged to review the assortment and ensure horses are represented in a manner appropriate to their size, influence, and tendency to occupy the center of any room, or pop-up tent, they enter.
Heat and Human Welfare
The next item was human comfort. Temperatures have reached 109°F!!! Which is objectively too hot for humans to be hauling supplies, arranging displays, moving consignments, and pretending that hydration alone makes this normal. Humans do many things well, including opening food containers and driving vehicles, but they are not naturally equipped with fur, shade-seeking instincts, or the good sense to lie down until conditions improve.
As CHRO, I formally recommend:
Frequent water and shade breaks for all humans
Scheduling strenuous setup tasks during cooler parts of the day
Access to fans, cold drinks, and appropriate snacks
A strict review of whether any task truly needs to happen before the sun lowers its expectations
Delegation and Labor Equity
The most pressing issue remains task distribution. I recognize that tasks must be delegated according to opposable thumbs. Humans possess them, and this makes them uniquely qualified for activities such as tying banners, operating registers, signing paperwork, and opening treat bags. This is a valid operational reality.
That said, the current system is unfair! Humans are doing all the “heavy lifting,” while the horses, who are objectively stronger, larger, and very capable of moving substantial weight, have neither attended this meeting nor participated in any visible preparation.
They have, in fact, shirked both the meeting and the work leading up to it. This raises serious questions about accountability. The horses may claim they are busy standing beautifully, eating hay, or practicing their mysterious ability to become difficult to catch precisely when needed. Still, their absence from the planning process cannot continue unaddressed.
I recommend that Kirk speak directly with the horses regarding expectations for the event. Possible responsibilities may include:
Maintaining presentable appearances
Cooperating with handling and demonstrations
Refraining from last-minute opinions about trailers, grooming, or personal space
Participating in morale-building activities, particularly those involving carrots
Title Review
During the meeting, Kirk suggested that my title may need revision. I wish to state clearly that “Chief Human Resource Officer” remains entirely appropriate. I oversee human welfare, workplace fairness, break compliance, snack-related morale, and the proper recognition of labor contributions. These are core human-resources functions.
However, if a title change is being considered, I am open to reviewing options that accurately reflect my expanded responsibilities, including equine accountability and operational oversight.
Potential alternatives include:
Chief Human and Horse Resource Officer
Director of Workplace Morale and Treat Allocation
Vice President of Shade, Staffing, and Stable Relations
Chief Operations Dog
Executive Director of Human Comfort and Equine Compliance
I trust Kirk will select a title commensurate with my experience, service, and demonstrated commitment to this organization.... and to be paid accordingly!
Action Items
Kirk will review merchandising to ensure the equine event includes an appropriately balanced horse-related selection.
Humans will receive additional heat-safety support, including water, shade, and reasonable breaks.
Kirk will speak with the horses about their lack of participation in preparation and meeting attendance.
Jasmine will continue monitoring staff wellbeing, merchandise quality, and snack availability.
A formal title review will be scheduled after the event, preferably in an air-conditioned room.
Adjournment
The meeting concluded when I determined that the humans had heard enough, the horses remained unavailable for comment, and a strategic nap was required.
Respectfully submitted,Jasmine - Chief Human Resource Officer
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